English 8B
David Garbo
9/23/10
Mr. Salsich
(TS) When I think of a strange person I think of a homeless man named Spike that hangs out in downtown Mystic. (SD) One thing that is really odd about Spike is his posture. (CM) One reason why I think Spike's posture is odd is because his back curves like a hunchback. (CM) Even though Spike is about the same age as my dad, he appears to be much older because of the way he walks. (SD) Although Spike is homeless, his fashion sense is apparent. (CM) This is obvious because every time I see him he is wearing a lot of jewelry. (CM) Every once in a while Spike gathers up enough money to go into my mother's store to buy a charm or a bead for his bracelets. (SD) Spike obviously doesn't have anywhere to stay so he carries all his belongings in a bright orange backpack wherever he goes. (CM) Spike's backpack looks like it was rolled around in mud. (CM) Just like his backpack Spike also appears not to be very clean. (CS) Spike used to work with my mom at a print shop, so at one point Spike was an average "Joe" like everyone else.
Daniel D'Amato
ReplyDelete9/28/10 Comments
I particularly like the last conclusion sentience, "Spike used to work with my mom at a print shop, so at one point Spike was an average "Joe" like everyone else." because that makes you think How Spike acted before he became homeless. One of my suggestions to you is to use strong verbs, you should really try to expand your vocabulary. My other suggestion to you is that you don't need to say "Spike" every time you refer to him, you could just say "him or He." over all this is a great Paragraph and I feel like you will do very well this year.
I enjoyed when you wrote "Spike's posture is odd because his back curves like a hunchback"because it is a very good description which gives me a vision of his character being similar to the Hunchback of Notre Dame.One suggestion I have for you regarding your essay would be for you to describe Spike's jewelry using descriptive adjectives such as shiny, sparkling, colorful etc.I would also suggest for you describe with adjectives why Spike is similar to his "bright orange backpack","that looks like it was rolled around in the mud".
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